i’ll use ben shapiro’s body like a fleshlight

gonna let out a little moment of weakness. hate the generational visible trauma. it’s wrong and hard and stupid but i am thinking of all the trans elders who are transmedicalists. how they fought all their life to allow me to see trans bodies and lifes, to feel normal and possible. yet that struggle left them with trauma which blew up as irrationality and bitterness toward the next generation of trans people. because it has now become my time to get a taste of that bitterness. baby trans friend whom i gave all my progressive, healing and multileveled viewpoints of transness as a power source, as a deeply enviable and beautiful thing is now in such a good place and within my real joy for her is jeallousy i hate to see in me. its as if i can for the first time clearly see how bad it was for me. how i was always alone, how i had to find all of those things i gave her through years of pain and suffering. and the fact that she’s so far in her journey she now pities me. how i pity myself too. she came out to a accepting and informed circle while i suffered years of betrayal and disrespect. being yelled by friends whom i thought loved me, made to feel as if i was a monster because of my identity, completely alone with my journey. those years still affect me deeply. the fact that she’s happy and im still traumatised and incomplete was an unpretty wake up call. it has reflected on me as self hate and deep sadness. working on it :/

inblueroom:

boygroups are built on the “non-threatening and relatable to young women” -male concept, which caused me to be vigilant and untrusting of these celebrities maybe too much (though not completely unjustifyingly) bcs what they looked and seemed like was a performanse. these men don’t share your values etc.. so i only resently realised boy groups have given many women a safe way to view men just interacting and being human without the weight of romantic context. concidering how deeply we separate the genders it is actually quite rare. 

boy band culture is potrayed as only a deeply alienating experience between the binary genders. like the format of it would only deepen the lasck of understanding between. that there exists only charicatures on both sides. the hysteric female stan sexualises a hypothetical boyfriend concept sold to her and the naive yet sexist male idol sees the fans merely as means to an end not deserving of understanding. but in reality there’s a rare and unique form of platonic love, respect and understanding between these groups. a lot of it strengthetened by the somewhat social alienation of both. catering to a female audience and being in a boy band will keep a male idol separate from hegemonic masculinity and being a fan girl is notoriously looked down upon. so excistance of the micro culture requires separation from the mainstream and inner group reliance. radio regulars don’t need to culminate a dedicated fanbase but kpop groups get almost all of their revenue from fans.

taeminblr:

real taekey moment ♡